The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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