you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize