I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
