Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize