Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
