you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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