I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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