This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
