Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
