I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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