I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
