Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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