when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
