video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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