he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
where are you?
Hypothermia
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
