that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
