And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
