sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
