I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My vagina is very pro this idea
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
