the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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