I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
