I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Randomize
