After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
