My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
