someone threw a dead crab at me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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