How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize