and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
