I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
