Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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