my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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