broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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