Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
