Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
