i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
