in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
