Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
