Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
