dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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