the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
