O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
