A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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