Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
