i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize