Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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