Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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