bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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