Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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