everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I want her autograph on my taint
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
