you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How does one acquire holy water?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
