Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
