Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
