We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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