i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
