My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
