Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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