Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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