Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
