and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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